Relationships are the crucible of the transformative process. They are bound to alter, given the individual’s greater willing­ness to risk, trust in intuition, sense of wider connection with others, recognition of cultural conditioning.

The transformed self breaks out of the compartments struc­tured by cultural role assignments, not only by acknowledging aspects long suppressed but also by recognizing how the as­ signed traits can become distorted. Strength may become cari­catured as machismo, aggression, taciturnity.  Nurturance may be exaggerated into smothering. Whatever short-circuits our spontaneity, be it denial or exaggeration, contributes to uncon­sciousness and unreality.

The most significant force in changing relationships is the transformation of fear. Beneath the surface, most intimate rela­tionships pivot on fear: fear of the unknown, fear of rejection, fear of loss. In their most intimate bonds, many people seek not just sanctuary but a fortress. If, through whatever medium­ meditation, a social movement, assertiveness training, quiet reflection, est-one partner breaks free of fear and condition­ing, the relationship becomes unfamiliar territory.

Whatever the cost in personal relationships, we discover that our highest responsibility, finally, unavoidably is the steward­ ship of our potential-being all we can be. We betray this trust at the peril of mental and physical health. At bottom, Theodore Roszak observed, most of us are “sick with guilt at having lived below our authentic level.”

Transformative Relationships

A transformative relationship is a whole that is more than the sum of its parts. It is synergistic, holistic. Like a dissipative structure, it is open to the world-a celebration and explora­tion, not a hiding place.

As we become more concerned with the essence of rela­tionship and less with the form, the quality of human inter­ action changes. Experiences of unity, fullness, awakened senses, empathy and acceptance, flow-all of these open  us to more possibilities for connection than we had before.

One who believes in us, who encourages our transformation, whose growth interacts with and enhances our own, is what Milton Mayerhoff called “the appropriate other.” Such caring relationships help us to become “in-place.” We cannot find our growth alone, Teilhard said. He himself had intense friend­ ships, many of them with women despite church strictures against even platonic closeness between priests and women. “Isolation is a blind alley ….Nothing on the planet grows ex­cept by convergence.”

To have a transformative relationship you must be open and vulnerable. Most people meet only at their peripheries, Raj­neesh, an Indian  teacher,  said. “To meet a person at his center is to pass through a revolution in yourself. If you want to meet someone at his center, you will have to allow him to reach your center also.”

Transformative relationships are characterized by trust. The partners are defenseless, knowing that neither will take advan­tage or cause needless pain. Each can risk, explore, stumble. There is no pretense, no facade. All aspects of each partner are welcome, not just agreed-upon behaviors. “Love is more im­portant than romance,” a magazine editor asserted. “Accep­tance is more important than approval.”

Because there is a continuous change in a transformative relationship, there can be no taking for granted. Each partner is awake to the other. The relationship is always new, an experi­ment, free to become whatever it will. It rests on the security that comes from giving up absolute certainty.

Love is a context, not a behavior. It is not a commodity, “won,” “lost,” “earned,” “stolen, “forfeited.” The relation­ ship is not diminished by either partner’s caring for others. One can easily have more than one transformative relationship at a time.

Both partners feel bonded to the whole, the community. There are new capacities to give and receive love, joy and sym­pathy for many. This intense communion with the world can­ not be pressed into a narrow channel.

In new-paradigm relationships, the emphasis is not so much on sexuality as intimacy. Intimacy is prized for its shared psychic intensity and transformative possibilities, of which sex is only a part-and often a latent part at that.

For many people, giving up the idea of exclusive relation­ ships is the most difficult paradigm shift in their own transfor­mation. Some choose to limit their sexual expression to a pri­mary relationship. Others may give priority but not exclusivity to the primary relationship. The desirability of exclusive relationships is a deep cultural belief, despite contradictory evi­dence – and behavior  For many people, giving up the old need for exclusivity was the most difficult paradigm shift of all, yet necessary if they were to be true to their own mores.

A society in flux will have to create its families in new ways. The new family is emerging from networks and communities, experimental and intentional groups, friendships.